Wow...I have not written in literally a month, I'm sorry for my sake and for the sake of Christ- He has done such wonderful things and now I must repeat them...
Well, starting as preface, I was not supposed to go out on seminar at all until April, but even as I say that I smile thinking the Lord always moves before we can ever see. I had been praying that if the Lord willed it, I would be able to go to Ft. Wayne and Kokomo, the two seminars I traveled to last year. I wasn't assigned to those teams but I knew if the Lord wanted me there He would arrange it, as He always does. It was the week of and as far as I knew I was staying at the building and was more than ok with that! We were leaving a night meeting and Nicole passed me on the way out and mentioned me possibly going to both of those homeschool groups to help with directing, since I had already been in the play we were taking out. I talked with Noah the next day and the next thing I know I am packing to go out on seminar for two weeks!
As some people know, I have really been battling against the devil with panic attacks this year and Sunday, the day we were to leave on seminar was the ultimate culmination of these attacks. Right before we walked out the door, fear started welling up in me-irrational fears at that of "once I leave, I can't get back" ... whatever the fear, ultimately FEAR was at the core. So, the 12 hour ride for me was filled with panic attacks big and small on and off, stomach pain, and the inability to eat. (Talk about what fear truly is-you take a person who once desired to jump from airplanes and ride the world's most intense coasters to one who is now afraid to even get in the van...that, my friends, is NOT of God). We carpooled both teams until we were about an hour from the Cinci area where we were to split to our separate destinations. Rach on the way up had had some pretty intense stomach pain as well but rested most of the trip so I didn't think much of it. We all stopped at Fazoli's for dinner; I still couldn't eat and I knew what I needed to do- talk with the Lord, so I just started walking around the building. I must've walked that building for almost 45 minutes, and He kept bringing to my mind the story of Christ being temped by Satan in the wilderness, and the fact that His main defense was Scripture. I knew what I needed to do-I have all along, and that was to GET IN THE WORD. I had read them, but they were easily forgotten in the hour of trial because I had not taken the time to ENGRAVE them into my heart, or trusted in them enough to do so. I had planned to get in the van for the 2 hours we had left to drive that night and just fill my mind and heart with them and as I walked the building I noticed Rach, Joe, David, and Rach's family, who'd come to meet us for dinner, were all gathered around the van.
I took one more turn around the building and as I was almost done I was asking the Lord to help me in whatever way was necessary to help me get over these panic attacks- they had gotten to the point where I couldn't even function one hour without panic...I just didn't feel like I could be myself anymore. That sounds kind of dramatic but to go through every day with that thought of panic in the back of your mind kills everything, fun and tasking, that you have in life! It's miserable really...but I bore it, whether out of pride or laziness...I bore it. As soon as I prayed it, it seemed as if the Lord stopped me dead in my tracks and said "You are going to main direct Boggs 2 these next two weeks." Immediately, if I'm remembering correctly, even vocally, I said "No. I CANNOT do that, Lord." I finished around the building and headed to the van asking the Lord to prepare me for whatever lay ahead and as soon as I rounded the corner of the van, Rachel looked at me and said "How do you feel about main directing for the first few days?" I don't remember even thinking before I spoke, but I know what I heard from my own mouth was "You got it."
I know they spoke words to me after that, but I don't remember anything except the "Are you INSANE" going through my head and the matching pounding from my heart. They talked for a few more minutes and I backed down and sat on the curb and just reviewed over and over what had just come out of my mouth. I had agreed to main direct a 2.5 hour elementary and high school production. Let me see if I can put this into perspective for those not involved in our ministry...Nicole Stratton wrote and directed Boggs 2, a story about 12 kids(the sequel to Boggs 1) who go back in time to the days of David and Goliath. Main directing is hours of intense focus, energy, WORK that it takes YEARS to train for to do properly. Nicole has been directing for over 15 years now...I have observed Nicole Stratton directing for 5 summers and 3 semesters at the Logos Theatre. I have directed small scenes here and there as an assistant director, I have done reports on acting/directing, and I got to play Laura Sharp, one of the modern day main characters in the production of Boggs 2 we did here at the Theatre...that is IT...and I realized as I thought through my situation sitting on that curb that the "IT" I just referred to was all set up previously by God to prepare me for this very moment.He set me up-He moved me onto this team, He had rachel get sick, He had all those instances set and develop prior to me ever getting to this point and I knew at this point that He had not just sent me to help, but to teach me something I desperately needed to learn.
Both teams gathered around the van and we all prayed together for wisdom and for healing. I rode the next 45 minutes getting as much information as I could from Rachel and Kara, our two main directors on the road at that time and as I can't explain it but I truly had the peace of God come over me. I felt not the spirit of fear, but rather of great power for the work, love for the work, and a sound mind to get through the work.
Our teams split after we said goodbye to Rachel and our team headed to Kokomo, IN. I did some Bible study on the way there, fell asleep for the rest of the way, and when I woke up we were heading with our host families to our houses for the night. I slept very well, but in the morning started fighting that panic again. We had our morning meeting with seminar staff and David gave us a great challenge that I don't think I heard a word of. I was fighting and I was fighting hard-I felt like any move I make would result in either me hitting the ground face first or running to the nearest trashcan. We headed out to the auditoritum and got the day kickstarted. I was nervous on and off throughout the day but the more my mind became engaged in the directing the more I forgot to panic. I tried to stay exhaustingly busy all day so I wouldn't revert back to panic mode.
We headed to our host homes that night and it was there that the panic caught up to me and the devil launched attack at full force. I felt like the room was closing in on me, that I couldn't escape and I honestly felt if I could choose to live or die at that moment in time, death would be more welcome. It sounds very dramatic again, but another proof that fear is NOT of God. I was texting Rachel and the Lord used her to remind me of what Christ had been telling me all along, that I needed to fill my head and my heart with Scripture.
I opened my Bible at Genesis and wrote down every verse in a flip book that referenced fear. I wrote until I reached 2 Chronicles and it was near that book that the Lord brought me to the story of Elisha and his servant finding the enemy camped around them. The servant came back in fear and asked Elisha "How shall we do?" and Elisha prayed that the Lord would open his eyes. When He did, the servant saw the host of Heaven, chariots of fire, surrounding them and it was at that moment the Lord showed me that I was in the same battle, the battle of good and evil, and the same host of Heaven encompassed around Elisha's servant was the same that was with me at that very moment. It was as if the Lord of the Host opened MY eyes and I was immediately strengthened.
I took that flip book throughout the next two weeks of seminars. In short, I did not stop directing after the first few days, but went almost the entire two weeks as the main director of Boggs 2. Rachel was gone the entire first week of Kokomo and had to go home again on Tuesday of our second week in Ft. Wayne. That flip book brought verses so closely to my heart that even just a glance at the verse strengthened my heart in a way I could never justifyingly describe. Everyday I have to re-fight that battle, but I've noticed that every day the panic grows even more dim in light of God's Word, the Word that has become more than just words, but Truth engraved on my heart.
I look back on those two weeks writing now and think wow....and then I shed beautifully wonderful tears over the thought of Who God is and how loving He must be to bring me to the place of COMPLETE surrender to His Power, Love, and Sound Mind- to letting Him drive me instead of fear. In both Kokomo and Fort Wayne, I started them off in the week with two phrases, the first being "Wherever you are, be all there" by Jim Elliot. It is the phrase that started the title and idea behind this blog and I wanted them to grasp the fact that they had the ability to KNOW God, as more than just fact, but in a deeper way than anything else they knew in their lives. The second was "All in...100%...Commit...to Him" We repeated this phrase before each performance and though I see and hear testimonies of the kids determining to live by this Truth, I look back on these two weeks and know that the Lord did the most miraculous change in my own heart... a heart that now says fully from experience that "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of Power, and of Love, and of a Sound Mind."
It is kind of humorous irony, but when the kids get sent back in time, Chester, Professor Boggs personal assistant, finds a note from him tucked in his hat that says, "To Chester: God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of Power, and of Love, and of a Sound Mind." These past two weeks were a "To Chester" from the Lord to me...and that is a lesson I never want to forget.
