A Love WORTH breaking over

Well, I should start with a preface this time....

Our church has really been emphasizing knowing God, and more importantly the Lord specifically to me has at what seems every turn been showing THAT is the one thing that is needful, to know Him, and be satisfied with nothing else. Wednesday night, I got alone to pray and found I could ask the Lord for nothing else but for a broken heart. Last night that is exactly what He gave me...

I was headed home from our Celtic Sounds Cast Party last night and now that I look back I am very thankful there was no one else in the car with me, because it gave me some much needed talk time with the Lord. I had something on my mind the last part of the evening and on the way home I ended up just crying before the Lord over the fact that it takes circumstances to show me He is not desired first in my heart. I drove for quite a while and as I was talking to Him, the street lights caught on my ring.

I wear a ring on my right hand that I received from my Gema this past year. We found out she had Pancreatic Cancer last April and she passed away just this year on August 9. When we found out she had the cancer, I called her and we had ourselves a 20 minute phone conversation (unheard of for the two of us) filled with hilarious laughter and joking and a good mix of tears. She told me before she hung up the phone that if she could leave me with anything it was that she wished she had been closer to the Lord, and told me to follow the Lord as closely as I could, and not to let anything stand in the way of that. When she passed away, I sang and spake at her funeral and told them exactly what I just told you, and then said I was going to take her up on that advice. When we got back to the house, my Papa asked my aunt's, cousin, and I to go through her jewelry and take anything we wanted to keep for ourselves. We had fun telling stories that went with each piece of jewelry but when they got to the ring my Aunt called me out and said I should take it. They all agreed so I took it and that night as I laid in bed I thought of what she had left me with.

I had been in a time in my life where knowing the Lord was secondary to everything else, and through the whole process of her cancer, the Lord taught me not only the brevity of my life, but the brevity of the chance to know Him in my lifetime. I decided to wear the ring on my ring finger and on my right hand to signify that He is my greatest love and that He has control of my life and as a commitment between the Lord and myself that I was going to keep Him as the priority of my heart. I'm trying to be more transparent and not appear perfect so I will say that I have not been faithful as He has, which brings me to the point of my driving home last night.

He brought me to the place of seeing where I REALLY am. I hold others in the position He should  have and I told Him that I want Him to be "all I have in Heaven and there be NOTHING on earth I desire besides Him." I want to know IN MY OWN HEART (not from anyone else's perspective of me) that I SINCERELY desire none above Him. I am tired of living from high's to low's-I want a CONSISTENT walk with Him and it's going to take a major change in my life to have that. I want a deep longing for Him and Him alone.

He got my attention last night and the beautiful thing about the Lord is that He breaks the heart and puts it back together in such a way that I am the better for it. I do not want my life before the Creator to be marked by constantly giving away His Throne seat. He MUST be first and I want to rise and set by Him everyday.

This ring on my finger I believe was specifically placed by God to be a reminder to me that He is to be first. It is the same as if the man I love one day were to place a ring of commitment on my finger-I would never think of giving away his spot in my heart, so why should it be any different with the One who gave me life? If God ever does have me marry, I want to stand before my husband and present this ring as a token that God has and always will have first precedent in my life, and as a future commitment that He will have first place in our marriage as well. I want to stand before the Lord ultimately, He and I BOTH knowing that He was my greatest Love-my only Love.

I pray He continues to break me! It hurt ALOT last night, but that is the best pain I've felt in a while because it brought me to see that I was being mended in HIS Hands.